Sunday, January 07, 2007

Something's churning!

I wonder if you are like me and just can't sleep when you have things on your mind...or are you someone who can just manage to be able to just switch off and slip away into a peaceful sleep. Tonight I finished "Flowers for Algernon". The girls got me the book for my Christmas...I had read it in high school and really wanted to read it again. Maybe the fact that I can't sleep may have something to do with the rather sad ending that the book has. Perhaps that hasn't helped how I am feeling....but I don't know what I am feeling and why? I just knew I had to get up out of my bed and do something.

Just before Thomas fell asleep tonight I said to him that my stomach was churning at the thought of the kids going back to school and with the holiday being over. I don't just mean churning, but that deep horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach that you experience when you really are not looking forward to something. Why I am I feeling like this?.....hey I don't really know...why were the tears rolling down my after another when thinking about this week...about this year? I don't know. Why am I getting myself into such state? Sometimes at night things can always seem worse and can blow out of all proportion....maybe thats what it is....but I hope that maybe somehow just explaining how I am feeling will help me to understand what the churning and tears are all about when I've made some sense of it... I can get to sleep.

These last few weeks have been amazing, and I've been trying to think why I have enjoyed them so much. Is it the fact that I have spent so much time with the girls and with Thomas? Is it the fact that time seemed to slow down....a day felt like a day...and life seemed to be more relaxing? Is it because we played games together...went walks together, and watched films together? Yes...all of these things and many more I suppose. Most parents are glad when the holidays are over and the kids go back...but I enjoy it when they are off...but why the horrible churning in my stomach...because when they are at school I can at least get stuff done!

It's true what they say. Time flies when you get older. One minute I was at high school reading "Flowers for Algernon" and now I am 31 (no longer in denial!) and I don't know how that happened. I love life...and more than that, I love my family, and of course it goes without saying, that above everything I love God. Life is so precious and it passes us by so quickly.

This week I will get up, get ready, get the kids washed and dressed, fed, make pack lunches, make the beds, get the school bags ready, do their hair, get their jackets on and rush them out of the the house for school. I will then go to work, come home have lunch, clean the house, pick them back up at 3pm, do homework with them, pick Thomas up from the station, make dinner and for the majority of the nights in my week, go out to some form of practice or meeting or whatever. And so it goes on each day....the next day pretty much like the day before...little time for any kind of quality time...just the four of us. Sundays are pretty busy, so Saturday becomes our only full day together, and that's if we don't have something on that day too. Even thinking about the lack of time gets my stomach in knots, and my eyes start to well up again.

And that's it....sometimes we have so much on. Life flies by...I can have so much going on that I feel I am missing my kids life's. Dayna will be 8 this year...I can't believe it. I said that to Thomas tonight...I said "She'll be 8 then she'll be 9, then 10, then 11, then 12" He laughed and said..."That's usually the way it works!" I know I was stating the obvious but hey...that's scary.

So I guess that I am just freaking out a bit...but only because I love my family so very much. I love my two beautiful girls with all my heart, and I have enjoyed spending time with my husband....I don't want this to end. I want every day to be like these lat few weeks. I guess this week will start again another hectic period where we as a family will have very little quality time together, and Thomas and I will see each other over dinner and then that will be that as we go out for various commitments in the evening. The thought of this busy life again with little quality time together really frightens me....

...and so as I sit here typing away at 12.30 after trying hard for an early night, I think that I understand why I feel the way I do. These past few weeks have been the way life is meant to be....indulging in our children's lives and growing closer as a family unit. Somehow going back to the busy routine of life is the part that spoils that indulgence.

But hey...I can't stop my kids from growing up...and I certainly cannot slow time down. I have to learn to just take each day as it comes and soak up whatever precious moment I can with my family...even if it's when I'm brushing the tugs out of their hair, or wiping the chocolate spread off their face.

I've never been career minded. I never had the desire to be anything more than part of a family, to be a wife and to be a good mother. To care for them all and to love them and be loved. Sounds pathetic?...maybe to some...but not to me. My family and my faith are my life. I've just got to remember that although we won't have as much quality time together for a wee while...I've just got to steal as many moments as I can in these busy days ahead.

A weird sort of blog really...but necessary none the least for my benefit. It always helps to get things off your chest. Thanks for listening.

P.S. I love you Dayna, Miriam and Thomas with all my heart...and "I will love you 'till the end of time"

Posted by littlelaughalot :: 11:58 pm :: 2 Comments:

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