littlelaughalot
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
LostNot been on the blog for ages! A mixture of reasons why really, but I mainly haven't had much spare time and have had a lot on my mind for quite a few months now that have just left me feeling pretty uninspired.
Thomas and I are at a crossroads in our christian pathways just now as far as our place of worship is concerned. A feeling of uneasiness is on our hearts each Sunday and has been pretty strong for about 6 months now to be honest....and perhaps to a slightly lesser degree for the past 2 years. Can I give a reason why we feel this way...why I feel this way? Not really!
Don't get me wrong... I could pick out lots of little reasons from things that have happened over the last wee while which have contributed to feeling this way, but it's more than that. It's a constant feeling that we aren't home anymore. God is still the most important things in our lives and always will be....it's just that we don't feel that we are where He wants us to be.
That's the scary part. With two kids whose spiritual teaching and happiness is of the utmost importance to us both, making a decision to be somewhere else becomes even more harder and frightening.
I'm scared because Thomas and I have been at our corps since we both got married 11 years ago. It's where a lot of good treasured friends are. It's where we have felt God calling us to be active in for so long...yet recently I have felt a strong need to just pull back and take myself out of things. There are a few issues for me personally that I am struggling to deal with, with a few individuals, and I know that this isn't helping, but unfortunately I know that feeling like this is affecting how I worship.
I feel at the moment that I just want to throw myself into my family because that is where I feel truly at home and where I can be myself and feel loved and safe. For these other areas in my life I feel exposed, broken, depressed and lethargic. Bitterness is creeping in and eating away at me big time, making the whole situation even worse.
My mind feels so noisy...there just seems to be so much going on in my head that I can't think straight. I feel as if God is calling to me and I can see Him standing a short distance away, but all this mess, all the thoughts, all these bitter feeling, all the pressures, all the activities....they are all making too much noise and I don't know whose voice I am hearing anymore.
I don't mean this all to sound depressing. I have to keep reminding myself that God has good things in store for us....it's just being patient and waiting to find out what that will be that is so hard.
I know I have been pushing people away in our Corps, and if your one of them, then I'm sorry, but it's not been on purpose, it's just that I have felt so tired and depressed to have to explain how I feel. Keeping people at a distance, although not a great thing to do, is sometimes the only way one can cope.
Anyhow....that's where I am at. A bit confused and lost as you can probably gather from reading this but at the same time even more aware of just how important my family is to me. I thank God so so much that you are in my life. You are my safe place...my haven!
Suddenly listening to Brooke Frasers "Faithful", means an awful lot to me.
There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
Iwave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for
When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful
All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me
Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
